Expedition Impossible Recap: Sun! Sand! Sahara!
In the premiere episode of Expedition Impossible we meet the 13 teams of three (39 people?!) as they journey through the Moroccan desert in a quest to win $150,000 and some cars. There will be camels and they are cranky.
Morocco. Thirteen teams of three were driven in their Fords, flanked by Moroccan guards on horses. It reminded me of the scene in Indiana Jones where Indy shot the whip specialist and walked away; I was expecting a Ford to accidentally run over a horse rider in a power play. We meet several teams, most with very unfortunate titles like "Mom's Army" and "Grandpa's Warriors." The first that got to talk was the Fab 3: the teal wearing gay exes and a sister. The Country Boys, Latin Persuasion ("Latinas Yo"), and the Footballers play up their stereotypes, claiming that if they can survive (insert local area here), then Morocco would be easy. The team with the blind guy was known as "No Limits," but after this episode we know that all three were Blind. Grandpa's Warriors were sporting these pee yellow color shirts that I couldn't help but wonder if Grandpa Dick had his Depends on. The country boys slammed the Latinas for wearing black but I have a feeling everyone was forced to pick a team color and the Latinas unfortunately got the short end of the stick.
Dave Salmoni welcomed the group in a very Phil Keoghan-like way. He explained that the race is in stages with checkpoints, just like The Amazing Race. The prize is significantly less: $150,000 and 3 SUVs. Dave pointed out a pair of flags on top of a dune as the first markers to head to. He warned that riding camels would be next. Immediately the New York Firefighters started cursing up a storm. Thanks for reinforcing the stereotype. Dave never screamed "go" but the race began with Moroccan gunshot.
As the teams started jogging to the flags, Blind Erik explained that he used two walking sticks and bells to help navigate him. Immediately the Gays took an early lead; Ryan said that he was disowned, possibly because he claimed that "wearing wigs" was part of being gay. ["That one was news to me." - Mike] The Fat Firemen were immediately winded, which reminded me a bit too much of The Amazing Race's Kevin & Drew.
The mustachioed Gypsies, Footballers, California Girls, Kansas, and Fishermen were somewhere close in the middle of trekkers. The Gypsies claimed to be physically and mentally fit, but if they were their mustaches would have been better groomed. While we saw them in the huddle of people, they magically were in first place and read the first clue. Teams needed to get three stubborn camels to traverse with them through the desert. One gypsy asked a local if the camel was "Trés bien?" but the Moroccan didn't help. The gays were the first team to be kicked by an animal, and seeing the previews for next week, not the last. The Pink California Girls pretended to know directions, but we didn't get much information on whether they were right or just following the lead teams. One fireman, Kevin, sadly had "Fathead" as his nickname. Fathead proceeded to have issues with getting on his camel becuase of his fat midsection.
Did you know that there was a team called the Cops? Neither did I.
Halfway up the dune, The Country Boys stopped. Latinas Yo physically passed on top of the Country Boys. They couldn't be kind enough to walk around the team. After the commercial break, Country Boy Chad gets up, not dramatically as I'd hope, and the team made it up to the top.
At this point, the front pack started to emerge consisting of the Gypsies, Gays, Footballers, and the Blind. Near the back Depends, Country Boys, Mom's Army and Latinas Yo struggled with their camels. The Latinas started to bicker as Grandpa strolled away. One of the Latinas (Mai) threatened to leave, but the group eventually got up and headed out. How Mai is a manager is beyond me.
The Blind and Gay arrived at Checkpoint 2, which was a "Water gathering" challenge. I use the term "challenge" lightly, because only one person solved the puzzle and the other 38 contestants benefitted from him. They had to find the "local" way of getting water. The footballers considered killing a camel for its water. The gays checked the empty tent but there was nothing obvious. Gay AJ, suggested digging for water; the Footballers scoffed at them for their silly decision, claiming they'd be digging to hell.
After the commercial break, in hopes of filling their gallon of water the Gypsies thought, "hey, why not?" and decided to help the Gays. As soon as the two lead teams found their water, the Blind decided to benefit from the situation. The Fishermen and Cops (who?) arrived and saw the digging and started digging. The lead four teams maintained their lead as they got their water and headed to the next checkpoint.
Kansas arrived with the holes dug so the Firefighters, Country Boys, Depends, and Latinas Yo all filled their water. Latinas Yo continued to bicker as Mom's Army left. The main speaker of the Latinas, Raven, really wanted to race so she started to cry. They decided to "talk it out" because shouting it out wasn't working.
We basically fast forward past camels to the top of the mountain descent. We're given a quick recap of the team placements just in case 39 people and one host were hard to keep up with. The Blind, Gay, Gypsies, and Footballers were in front. The Fisherman, Kansas, Firemen, and Pink were in the middle. In the back were Mom's Army, Country Boys, Depends, and Latinas Yo. There were also Cops, somewhere in the fold, but the editors didn't care about them.
The Gypsies began the next checkpoint challenge which was to repel 300+ feet down the gorge. The Gay's Kari, the first girl to see the gorge, was in tears but sucked it up and went through it without any fear. Our first real fearful contestant was a wobbly Footballer and he was trumped by Blind Erik. The Gypsies, Gays, Footballers, and Blind still were in the front.
The Gypsies arrived to the next challenge which was to watch a snake charmer routine, count snakes, and choose a box that was labeled with the correct number that represented the snake count. Immediately I wondered: How was the Blind guy supposed to count? If the contestants chose correctly (eleven), they would get the right directions. If they chose wrong, they were given the wrong directions and were forced to trek back and try again. The Gays, Footballers, and Gypsies counted eleven and headed out. The Blind, with the assistance of Blind Erik, counted 10 snakes.
We got our moment of fear going down the mountain as Mom from Mom's Army was scared. The daughters were in tears as her mother disappeared from her vantage point. The Country Boys descended in eleventh, with Latinas Yo and Depends following. After getting the "wrong way" sign, the Blind headed back to the snake pit. The Gypsies arrived in first place, followed by the Gays, and Footballers. The Gays were a bit too happy for checking in second.
The Blind returned with Kansas, Country Boys, Pinks, Cops (who?), and Fishermen. The Firemen and Latinas Yo arrived a few paces behind in 11th and 12th. Depends was in last, but they also counted eleven snakes with no issue. We got the final check in with Kansas, Fishermen, Blind, Country Boys, Firemen, Pinks, Cops, and Mom's Army in fifth through eleventh.
Latinas Yo and Depends started running in the darkness. While there were some dry heaving noises, the shot of six headlamps wandering around tried to give us some suspense. Grandpa couldn't see the Latinas, but he could hear them. Team Depends arrives in 12th, because they still have a lot of living to do. The Latinas were last and eliminated. Dave tells them that they would be "evacuated" in the morning. The teams watched them depart on a helicopter and they waved the Latinas away. A bit overdramatic, but it got the point across to the teams that they could be next.
Next week on Expedition Impossible: Kayaking proves to be difficult.
Michael Pascua –
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